Buh-Bye | Five Ways to Let Go of Mom Guilt Ep 23
Today is all about about mum guilt. And what can we do to effectively shift through it, change it, or at least get past it in a way that allows us to feel empowered, and inspired. So today, Desiree and I are having a one-on-one conversation to talk about five ways that we can let go of mom guilt- Hi Des, it's good to be here with you
Hi Iva- I know love it, love it. I know we were talking about sort of the conversations we want to have with you guys. And I think mom guilt is one of those that we've have done an episode before on it. It does pop up here and there in various episodes also various conversations that we have with our amazing guests. But I think it is always so relevant, isn't it? It's something I think that comes in the bundle of motherhood. And that gives us this extra and often uninvited emotion and feeling and process we go through mom guilt. I think no matter how prepared we are, it tends to creep up here and there. So today we really want to share five ways to let go of it. Are you ready?
I am ready. Let's do this.
Okay, so I think the first one right I felt personally and I'm gonna share my personal views in there and I know so as Iva is but I think the first one was really just to get organized better, right because motherhood is like that it is super unpredictable. And even if your schedule before was super organized. That all goes out the window. Once you have a little one, especially ones they're still at home and not yet in any daycare. Or preschool or something. So working when they're around just automatically I feel leads to mom guilt. Because no matter how much you try to time block, or put your to do list in order, there is always this place where you feel frustrated of not getting done what you set out to do that day, don't you think?
Yes, yes. Especially if we feel like we take on that side of we like to tick things off our to do list. And we're on a mission and we are very driven. And we just we know that our time is so limited so we have this sense of being in a rush because we want to get as much done as possible.
Exactly. So one thing that really led me to all of my frustrations is to over promise things especially when you have like an amazing business bestie or accountability partners or even people that you collaborate with or you have your own deadlines, right that you feel responsible for. And I felt so frustrated not being able to tick off even the simplest of things. So one of the habits I got into is really to time block and even though that is sometimes still tricky, especially when you're little ones at home, I felt that time blocking my calendar with actual chunks helped me because before I had a to do list of let's say eight things I needed to do that day. But if I say okay, point number one, I will need about 20 minutes for that. I will actually make sure I will time block at least 30 minutes of my time, right? Or there's something I need to get done in half an hour I will time block like an hour for it, because that'll give me enough buffer to do it. And then I will be like, Oh, okay, well, I've already now scheduled 30 minutes. I already scheduled an hour. I have one more hour of space somewhere in the day. But there was from the beginning no way that I could have possibly ticked off the eight things from my list. And once I see it like visually in front of me that I will need the certain time in I know maybe the time that she's napping, or I know it's something that I can pull off when she's around right but I'm preferring my time. I physically see that I cannot handle more than these three tasks for example. So once I know that I don't have these frustrations and I don't have that guilt of either neglecting her or being frustrated and letting it out on like my patience with her or something. So I think getting organized like that with my to do list has really made a big difference for me.
And that is such a great starting point for everyone that is listening, because I also would like to add that getting organized as you see those time blocking that seeing it in black and white in a list. And and deciding okay, you know what, what can be shifted around depending on what comes up right, let's say a naptime caught really short, then you need to say okay, that the time that I had buffered for this other activity might have to be cut short or I maybe need to swap it for something else. So I think that is a great way to give us that starting point. And I would also add that getting organized as well can also come into other dimensions, which is organize your values. A lot of guilt comes because we are not living up to our values and when that happens, we feel the sting. So get your values organized and what I mean by this is that there are so many values out there, there are hundreds and hundreds of values, and they are all beautiful and important and great, but they don't all have the same priority for any one person at all times. So sometimes in a certain stage in your life, some values are going to have more priority than others. And when you're able to see that for what for what that is, and you're able to put them on sort of like a list, then it's easier to not feel guilty because now you are fully aligned like you're getting organized with regards to what those values are. There is an episode that we go more into detail from season one, I believe this episode is 11 but probably am I'm a bit off right now, but we'll confirm in a second. But it is about like out of 10 values, which ones are the top priority ones and when you leave according to them, it makes things easier and getting organized as well with regards to the season in your life that you're in and this is a very very common theme and thread that we share all throughout our episodes. Because it's true. There are seasons of life where you know, focus needs to go somewhere else and not so much on what's on your to do list. And when you see that for what that is again, you're able to breathe a little bit better and with less guilt knowing that that's where you find yourself.
I know I love that, it's so true because mom guilt goes both ways, doesn't it? It comes towards your child like feeling guilty or not doing enough but also towards yourself that now you have that child you cannot get anything done. So it's like finding like you said those values and this harmony between both of these, both of both of these things.
So the second one is to let it go. We really feel and one of the most important ones I think is the mindset shift. right the way we think about mom guilt so the official definition of mom guilt is the constant worry about making mistakes and try to get everything right. And mom guilt comes from an unrealistic ideal of a perfect mom. And first of all, what is a perfect mom, right? I don't think there's such thing as a perfect mom. It is what you make of it. And it is how you really think of it how again it goes back to the values right and we had one episode as well. And it really stuck to me what we discussed. It's about not measuring the time that we spend with the kids, but actually the things we did with them- the tasks, and that's one of the things that really stuck with me and that was one of the mindset shifts that has happened for me in the past couple of months is really not to feel bad about ‘oh, I didn't spend so much time or actually had someone take care of Gia today so I can get some work done’ but then afterwards, we went to the park and we had this amazing quality time. And so it wasn't about that time, but it was about what we did afterwards.
Yes, absolutely. I agree 100% with that and also to add to the conversation. I just want to say that if you really want to put it more on like a timer type of thing, if that really makes you feel a little bit more anchored, so to speak, a great rule of thumb that I use with my clients is tell them that you know pick up your phone and put the timer on it. And the first like five minutes from upon your kids waking up. The first five minutes of your kids coming back home in case they go to daycare or they go to school. And those last five minutes before they go to bed. really those are the moments where you can anchor in, like this connection and this sense of I want to have presence with them so that they feel the love, that they feel that I'm there for them that they feel that I'm seeing them connecting with them. So even though I'm asking you to put the timer on, I'm also asking you to put your phone away, like when they come home that you know those first moments that they're coming home from school. Sometimes we forget to put ourselves in their shoes. They went to a foreign place they probably dealt with quite a few things that were challenging for them in their world. And they are coming to their safe harbor. They are coming to their place where they can just let go and be themselves. And sometimes we complain because if somebody else is babysitting them or they're with someone else, and we arrive some of the comments tend to be but they were just so well behaved like everything was great up until the point that you arrived. Well that is the biggest compliment that you can get. Because that means that your children feel safe enough to show all of their emotions for you. So when you have that moment of presence and connection with them, then they will feel that throughout the day they were carried and they had that connection even though it wasn't timewise it wasn't that long. But he was consistent throughout those like key anchor moments.
Yes. Oh, I love that. See, that's another amazing mindset shift. And I love what you say because isn't it true that I'm like, wait a second. How come they're so crazy with me for example, right or like they've been whole day with daddy but then I come home and they completely like change and he's like wow, okay, I guess the peace is over now. And it's true. Just to see it as a compliment. You're so right about that. That this is actually the best way for you to see that you are fully bonded and connected and you are their safe space. Beautifully said Iva. So the third way to let it go is to actually oh my god I cannot speak enough of this. A lot of the mom guilt comes with your own anxiety, isn't it something that you are playing with inside of yourself something that's triggering this guilt to come up again and again. And so a lot of the times we think we need to solve it. We need to find a solution to do with our kids or but often enough it's with ourselves, isn't it? It's working on ourselves to let go of any feelings or blocks, mental blocks that may still be within us. And one of the most amazing tool things to my beautiful business bestie that I have discovered over the last few years is the power of hypnotherapy. And I'm gonna let Iva speak on this one. And I will just be here to give all of my What is it like my testimonials to say that this has given me so much freedom for myself because I am able to now think and act very differently around the kids to think and act very differently about my husband and also for myself to give myself much more grace because I've been able to lift a lot of these blocks because of hypnotherapy. So Iva, why does hypnotherapy work for this?
Thank you Des. Yes, so I just I just want to start off by saying that getting something out there that is has been the narrative so far and we need to change that is that guilt is a learned emotion. What does that mean? It means that imagine you have primary colors right? You have like yellow, blue, and red. And from those colors if you mix them, you get other colors you get the complementary or secondary colors like the green and the orange and the purple and so forth. So guilt is an emotion that arises out of conditioning. It arises out of fear. And so we have learned to feel guilty because when we were little we were told certain things that were expected of us. There's this good girl syndrome that goes around that is so pervasive, because it means that we were conditioned, we were taught for the most part to put others ahead of ourselves. That to think about ourselves first was selfish, that we don't do that. That we need to make sure that the adults around us are happy so that we can feel safe and we're not punished or we're not scolded and so forth. And so when we're talking about the anxiety that that has this mom guilt ingrained in it is because we don't know where we stand. We are walking on eggshells at all times. So that's how we feel because we say damned if I do damned if I don't. If I work and give it all give it my all and put my kid on daycare or have someone else take care of them. There's this guilt this condition guilt because apparently people in your family from previous generations they didn't do that. Or apparently a good mother as you say like this, this narrative this fake story of what a good mother is supposed to be is based on past on past references and contexts that are no longer relevant to the present day. And there's, there's a quote that I share with my clients all the time that I say, sometimes we want to emulate the way our parents parented us and we feel that we're leading up to really big standards. But what happens is that your parents raise you for a world that no longer exists. And you are now raising a new generation. So when we use hypnotherapy to get rid of that program. that old programming, those old narratives, those old stories that would cause where you internalize the sense that I need to feel guilty because of this and this, then the sky's the limit, then the world opens up to you because now you get to parent from a place of expansion and a place as you say, of freedom and a place where you are aligned with your values and a place where you feel empowered in every decision that you make. So it's no longer choosing between the popcorn, meaning having fun enjoying the moment because the kids are going to grow up or they're growing up so fast and the laptop in terms of our career, our projects, our business or the to do list. It means that we're no longer choosing and losing but rather we are choosing and winning no matter what because we know that that decision was the right position for that particular time.
Yes yes, yes. Yes. That is so true. It's like a total fresh way to look at it because I do often find myself in the way it's like oh, the old school parents and your work well on me you should work well on the kids but you're so right we are in a completely different world in a way. Especially now right given the last three years. It's changed once again, we have this new kind of way of living. So you're extremely right and it's letting go of that. So I can only encourage you if you do struggle with a lot of mom guilt, pause and think about where that comes from. And I mean Iva here can really help you she's helped me on several occasions. And I'm just entirely grateful forever that I have her by my side and access to that but you have access to that too. So we'll drop all the links in the show notes as well on how you can get in touch with Iva if you do need to work through a few things for the sake of yourself of your children of your beautiful motherhood. Journey.
There's obviously the anxiety part of things which is very important to look at with a with a certified or licensed person that can help you addressed what is going on right and this is within the scope of what I do. But it's important to raise your hand and say, you know, this is what's going on. I need to see what is behind it. But at the same time, we live in a society that is constantly rushing, running from from A to B, right we're really busy. We have so many things on our plate. And then stress becomes a part of our life, so to speak, but it shouldn't be normalized because even though stress has a place and a reason for being, to be constantly stressed all the time is also not the right way to go about achieving your goals and also raising your children because then they are just absorbing that stressed out energy all the time and this is where you come in with your solutions, you know, the essential oils and living toxic free because it really does help us as an amazing hack and you're going to tell us more about that. But what can we do to get rid of this mom guilt because sometimes we snap right we overreact or something happens, but it's from the stress that we've been carrying around all day. And then and then we just feel bad because we know that it wasn't it didn't warrant the reaction that we have.
Right, right. I mean, yeah, I'm coming back to the definition of mom guilt. It says that it's our worry right about making mistakes and getting everything right and we know as we all try to be good moms, so the moment we feel like we're not getting it all right. We get stressed right because of this unrealistic ideal of doing things a certain way. And it that creates stress. So actually, I was so triggered by that topic and not that thought that it prompted me to write a blog about it one day about like who's having a tantrum, me or my child right? Because what feel totally gets reflected on to our children. Right? What when we feel stressed or impatient or flustered about something, they start behaving erratically as well. And it's really when we, as the moms, try to just work on that ourselves in that moment. We will also see that behavior, reversing right or just like we're going to be gelling together more again with the kids. And it's just quite fascinating and I started doing that myself and it really, really works. So in the moment, we need to be able to find some, like just even a minute, even if it means just going to the bathroom and breathe. Right and my hack what I always love to do is I love using essential oils. Now. There's a few that I have as go-to’s, and I literally take a drop of it, put it in my palm, cup it over my nose and my mouth and just inhale for one minute sometimes as going to the bathroom. Sometimes I don't even say anything. Sometimes I do it in front of them and that's already there is breathing. Okay, all right. And often they'll just breathe with me. Right we'll do it together. Be even have oils we use together when we know we have a little sign sometimes we just both raise our hands and we say stop because we know our fight or discussion or something is not leading anywhere. Sometimes we just brief right but there's nothing wrong with taking a moment to herself. So the oils that work for me, a very simple one is orange because orange is like happy oil. It's extremely uplifting, and it really makes you feel happier. And that helps. And it's often an oil that kids love, because it's red, and it tastes like you know, or like it smells like candy. That smells so good and it's such a simple basic oil to have at home anyways. And it really does make a lot of difference. I always like I sometimes carry it in my bag, especially around this time of the month as well. You know, it's like my saving grace. Another amazing oil that I like to use is frankincense. Another one I have in my arsenal anyways because it's amazing for the skin. I use it in my skincare routine, but it's so great for grounding you it's great for meditation, but if you are in that moment and you're triggered and you're stressed and all that mom guilt washes over you inhale frankincense, right just copied over your hands and nose in your mouth and take at least 10 the breath or put the timer to one minute kids love the timer somehow. So that always works for us too. If you are in the Young Living world, there are specific blends like Valor and Peace & Calming. Those are our tantrum blends works for the mom just as it does for the child for the toddler. And Stress Away. So use those tools that we have on hand. We are not super women, like we're not superheroes we pretend to be for the sake of our kids and for ourselves. But we are not, we have to give ourselves grace. And if there is a tool that can help us use it. So that would be our fourth way to just let it go. And I think the fifth and the last one for today. There's many more but for today is talk to your kids. See what they say. Often Don't you think Iva that we have such unrealistic expectations of ourselves and everything we need to do we need to have the perfect lunchbox it needs to be decorated. We need to have the room needs to be a certain way. The book collection needs to be at a certain level. I don't know there's so many ways where you crazy measure yourself and feel guilty that it's not at that level that we think it's supposed to be. But then when we just stop and we ask our kids hey, did you like your lunchbox today? Hey, do you what's your favorite book right now? Hey, tell me one. thing you're grateful for? Oh my God, you will be so surprised.
Yes, absolutely. And I mean we have the perfect example right here in our backyard so to speak. We have started to do the season finale episode in this podcast interviewing our children. And when we ask them, like you know, what does mom do that makes her a great mom or what do you love to do with mom? Their answers are just the blow you away from the fact that they are so simple and yet, here we are as you say bending over backwards trying to pack that perfect lunchbox and do all the things when at the end of the day is having the gift of presence, having the gift of connection with them. And just being silly and letting them know and letting them feel how much we love them at the end of the day. So if you are ticking those boxes, if you are taking some time to just being with them and enjoying their world through their eyes. That already is right there so much worth of what they see to be that their needs are met or what they see to be like yes, my mom gets me, like she sees me and then we don't have that guilt of whether all the other make believe boxes that we have are really getting done or not.
Yes, we are and I think that closes the circle to the mindset shift as well. We are their world. We are their everything. They don't know what the expectations are. They don't know the definitions of like, the perfect mom, childhood lunchbox like they don't know and, we cannot forget that and whatever we're doing, it's amazing. Whatever works for us and for our family will be different to what works to him for another family and that is totally fine. That's how it's supposed to be otherwise we would just be robots in this world, right? So I think we are sometimes just so hard on ourselves and these are just five of I'm sure many ways and we'd love to know your proven ways to let go of the mom guilt. We'd love for you to share what are your secrets. So ours that we just tackled today were, number one, get organized. Number two, go through these mindset shifts. Number three, use hypnotherapy as an amazing tool to get rid of all those blocks. And essential oils, number four, to get rid of the stresses throughout your day and number five, lastly, talk to your kids. See what they say. Because that will usually just swipe all of your mom guilt away.
Yes, let's keep those lines of communication open. Even if you have, you know, older kids, it's always good to reach out and ask them how are they really feeling and doing because the more that you have that channel open, the more you're going to continue to have that connection with them as they grow up. And as they don't need you so much right? As they become more independent. So this is what we have for you today. We hope that you have enjoyed it. And we can't wait to see you on the next episode. So keep doing all the amazing things, Mama, kudos to you
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